not to use tumblr as a place to whine and bitch, but (since the but is there, inevitably, i’m about to whine and bitch) —
i’m tired.
tired of being there when no one else seems to be there for me.
and i don’t mean no one in a pretentious ‘oh i have no one at all!’ kind of way.
i mean i’m tired of caring for the people that don’t care about me.
i’m obviously spending all of my time attempting to keep people in my life that don’t want to be here anymore.
i’m sick of wasting my time with leaving voicemails and unanswered texts.
i’m tired of wanting to spend my time when i’m home with people who are fickle, who constantly change their opinion of me, and could care less with whether or not i stay or go.
so should i stay or should i go?
i wish i knew. but for now, i’m done.
i’m done calling.
i’m done texting.
i’m done trying to contact anyone who hasn’t felt the need to contact me.
i’m tired of putting in the effort for a friendship, and it only being a one-sided friendship.
i want my friends to be my friends.
i want them to miss me.
i want to be needed, the way i thought i needed them.
i want people to think about me.
i don’t care if it sounds conceited, but the people that care about me - i obviously haven’t been caring about nearly as much.
and i’d rather put the effort into harboring and maintaining those friendships - with people that have been missing me - than trying to continue friendships with people who don’t give me a second thought.
i guess i just don’t like feeling like i’ve been taken for granted.
i don’t know. 

had another consultation with a tattoo artist today, he said even if they attempt to fix the typo, or rework the tattoo it would look even more botched. so, he referred me to a tattoo removal place and said to have it lasered and have a cover up piece done eventually. he said even if i didn’t use him to do the cover up piece or the person he referred me to do the removal to explore my options and not to let anyone convince me to do a cover up piece at the moment because it would have to be so dark that i would have no flexibility whatsoever. sooo, yay. he was extremely nice and amazingly helpful though, so i appreciate that and i’m so glad i went to visit him. but this just blows.

the more i stare at my tattoo, the more i dislike it. i don’t understand why it looks so shit. i have had the design sketched for months, i’ve been contemplating this tattoo for over a year, and i helped design it. it was ALL correct on the stencil, the word ‘squeeze’, the line work for ‘seize the moment’, and the fact that he had to go back in and touch up means it looks even worse. i’m not 100% unhappy with it, just pretty pissed that the linework looks so shit and the fact the ‘squeeze’ is misspelled.

i think my biggest problem with it is the fact that he did work that i was so happy with on my leg, that’s why i went back to him. he was friendly, he did the work on my leg and i was so happy with it  -  unlike my first tattoo artist, who was a total dick about the tattoo and attempted to pressure me into getting something i didn’t want.

all in all, my artist was a professional who had a shop at one point in time (about 6 months ago) and i had my second and third tattoos done there and was very pleased with them. he stopped having a shop for personal reasons, but still had a clean and sanitary room in his home to do the tattoos. i am completely against home tattoos - but i was so happy with his previous work and all of his items were sterile and professional that i went back.

all in all, regardless of whether the artist used to be a professional or not, do not get home tattoos.

it was all correct on the stencil is honestly my biggest problem. the linework looked great, as well as all of the words being spelled correct, and it was all exactly as i wanted it.

now i’m stuck with this tattoo that will (hopefully) be fixed next week, or else i’m saving up for a while until i can have it removed. fuck.

in speech:
the loud girl in class who can’t public speak to save her life
the girl with the headphones that loves eminem
the girl that chokes up during her speeches
the girl that eats whole grilled cheese sandwiches during class
the girl who falls asleep

in sound synthesis:
the girl that falls asleep
the girl that has no idea what’s going on
the girl bored out of her mind
the girl who wants to work at interscope even though this major isn’t for music production

in color theory:
the girl who complains loudly
the girl who falls asleep
the girl who is usually in her PJs
the girl who eats whole sandwiches during class
the girl who listens to music loud enough for three seats over to hear
the girl who makes phone calls in class 

i read somewhere, “time doesn’t exist, clocks exist.”
so, think about that. time HAS to exist, right? what if it doesn’t?
what if, through all of humanity, all the great minds who have comprehended more than anyone else can comprehend things, just in order to figure out what makes the world work, all of this wondering, all of the theories, all of the ways that people consider their understanding of life, what if it’s all bullshit?
what if, the purpose of the world isn’t to understand it, what if we were never meant to create a space-time continuum, or space, or time for that matter?
what if the purpose is to simply exist? 

what if there were no mirrors? ‘getting ready’ wouldn’t be nearly as tiresome, our opinions of ourselves would come from what we thought we looked like, what others thought of us, and how we behaved. people would be less arrogant, less vain. we’d appreciate natural beauty more, or the people with the skilled hands of applying makeup on themselves with no mirrors. we’d also cherish photographs more, or bodies of water that give a reflection. i think we’d be better as people, if there were no mirrors. how many minutes, how many hours are spent tirelessly attempting to impress ourselves in front of mirrors just to impress our peers? how many minutes, how many hours are spent judging ourselves in front of a slab of glass in the comfort of our own home? how many more minutes, or how many more hours would we gain if we stopped? what would we accomplish? who would we become?

‘cause i’m on my way to tennessee,
singing ‘georgia on my mind,’
chasing what they say’s a dream,
thinking, maybe it ain’t mine.
‘cause that girl’s in every song i sing,
she’s in every song i write,
and that six string riding in her seat,
won’t keep me warm tonight.
god, what am i supposed to do?
there’s more than miles in my rearview. 
____________

‘cause i’m on my way to savannah,
singing ‘waycross on my mind,’
chasing what they say’s a dream,
thinking, maybe it ain’t mine.
‘cause that boy’s in every song i sing,
he’s in every song i write,
and that turntable riding in his seat,
won’t keep me warm tonight.
god, what am i supposed to do?
there’s more than miles in my rearview.  

one, drunk me felt gorgeous last night
two, i have mood swings out the ass when i drink
three, i’ve never drank so much in my life as i have the past 5 days (nearly consecutively, i’ve drank 5/6 days…)
four, the guy i like, likes me. however, he’s afraid of long distance relationships. because his last girlfriend super fucked him over.
five, i have plans with him the next three days.
six, life is good. i don’t want to go back to college.

i just saw my mom for christmas, and i figured, it’s christmas, i won’t chastise her or judge her or anything, just have a normal conversation with her. and that’s what sucks. she’s such a loving, caring, kind, likeable person, but she just has bad choices, bad decisions, and bad habits. i wish she wanted help, but she doesn’t. and it’s heartbreaking to watch her do this to herself. i don’t know, she just… has given up, no willpower whatsoever. i don’t know, i wish there was something to do to help her, but there isn’t. so i’m just ranting, i suppose.
cherish what you have.
Merry Christmas xx 

how hard would it be to just… cease to exist?
i always know when the lows are about to hit, because the euphoria and the mania just starts to recede. and i feel okay. and then it spirals down faster than the wait at the top of a rollercoaster. 

have you ever heard something that you knew meant certain death?
and it’s like saying, “death. they’re dead. you might as well give up hope, they’re dead.” even if they aren’t?
kind of like in ‘girl, interrupted’ when they ship that guy off to vietnam and the sociopath says ‘that just means he’s dead.’
yeah, that sucks.

sometimes, i feel like everything’s just… too much. and i’m just drowning in everything that i can’t change. and at first it’s just one thing, but then it’s another, and another. and pretty soon, there’s all these problems floating around in my head that i have no control over. and i want to fix them, and i want to help, but i can’t. so i just sit and let them drown me. i know they say ‘let go of the things you can’t change,’ but it’s not that easy. nothing’s ever easy.

i haven’t updated any social networking sites in over 48 hours. i’ve just been thinking to myself, about everything. and i’m not going to pretend i’ve learned anything extremely insightful, because i hadn’t… i was watching movies and playing online games and self-pitying and wondering why no one noticed that i was MIA from facebook and just… stupid stuff.

but here’s what i did realize: 

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