not to use tumblr as a place to whine and bitch, but (since the but is there, inevitably, i’m about to whine and bitch) —
i’m tired.
tired of being there when no one else seems to be there for me.
and i don’t mean no one in a pretentious ‘oh i have no one at all!’ kind of way.
i mean i’m tired of caring for the people that don’t care about me.
i’m obviously spending all of my time attempting to keep people in my life that don’t want to be here anymore.
i’m sick of wasting my time with leaving voicemails and unanswered texts.
i’m tired of wanting to spend my time when i’m home with people who are fickle, who constantly change their opinion of me, and could care less with whether or not i stay or go.
so should i stay or should i go?
i wish i knew. but for now, i’m done.
i’m done calling.
i’m done texting.
i’m done trying to contact anyone who hasn’t felt the need to contact me.
i’m tired of putting in the effort for a friendship, and it only being a one-sided friendship.
i want my friends to be my friends.
i want them to miss me.
i want to be needed, the way i thought i needed them.
i want people to think about me.
i don’t care if it sounds conceited, but the people that care about me - i obviously haven’t been caring about nearly as much.
and i’d rather put the effort into harboring and maintaining those friendships - with people that have been missing me - than trying to continue friendships with people who don’t give me a second thought.
i guess i just don’t like feeling like i’ve been taken for granted.
i don’t know. 

the more i stare at my tattoo, the more i dislike it. i don’t understand why it looks so shit. i have had the design sketched for months, i’ve been contemplating this tattoo for over a year, and i helped design it. it was ALL correct on the stencil, the word ‘squeeze’, the line work for ‘seize the moment’, and the fact that he had to go back in and touch up means it looks even worse. i’m not 100% unhappy with it, just pretty pissed that the linework looks so shit and the fact the ‘squeeze’ is misspelled.

i think my biggest problem with it is the fact that he did work that i was so happy with on my leg, that’s why i went back to him. he was friendly, he did the work on my leg and i was so happy with it  -  unlike my first tattoo artist, who was a total dick about the tattoo and attempted to pressure me into getting something i didn’t want.

all in all, my artist was a professional who had a shop at one point in time (about 6 months ago) and i had my second and third tattoos done there and was very pleased with them. he stopped having a shop for personal reasons, but still had a clean and sanitary room in his home to do the tattoos. i am completely against home tattoos - but i was so happy with his previous work and all of his items were sterile and professional that i went back.

all in all, regardless of whether the artist used to be a professional or not, do not get home tattoos.

it was all correct on the stencil is honestly my biggest problem. the linework looked great, as well as all of the words being spelled correct, and it was all exactly as i wanted it.

now i’m stuck with this tattoo that will (hopefully) be fixed next week, or else i’m saving up for a while until i can have it removed. fuck.

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what if there were no mirrors? ‘getting ready’ wouldn’t be nearly as tiresome, our opinions of ourselves would come from what we thought we looked like, what others thought of us, and how we behaved. people would be less arrogant, less vain. we’d appreciate natural beauty more, or the people with the skilled hands of applying makeup on themselves with no mirrors. we’d also cherish photographs more, or bodies of water that give a reflection. i think we’d be better as people, if there were no mirrors. how many minutes, how many hours are spent tirelessly attempting to impress ourselves in front of mirrors just to impress our peers? how many minutes, how many hours are spent judging ourselves in front of a slab of glass in the comfort of our own home? how many more minutes, or how many more hours would we gain if we stopped? what would we accomplish? who would we become?

‘cause i’m on my way to tennessee,
singing ‘georgia on my mind,’
chasing what they say’s a dream,
thinking, maybe it ain’t mine.
‘cause that girl’s in every song i sing,
she’s in every song i write,
and that six string riding in her seat,
won’t keep me warm tonight.
god, what am i supposed to do?
there’s more than miles in my rearview. 
____________

‘cause i’m on my way to savannah,
singing ‘waycross on my mind,’
chasing what they say’s a dream,
thinking, maybe it ain’t mine.
‘cause that boy’s in every song i sing,
he’s in every song i write,
and that turntable riding in his seat,
won’t keep me warm tonight.
god, what am i supposed to do?
there’s more than miles in my rearview.  

i’ve had a wonderful weekend with an amazing person, and now i have to go back to college. fuck.

i just saw my mom for christmas, and i figured, it’s christmas, i won’t chastise her or judge her or anything, just have a normal conversation with her. and that’s what sucks. she’s such a loving, caring, kind, likeable person, but she just has bad choices, bad decisions, and bad habits. i wish she wanted help, but she doesn’t. and it’s heartbreaking to watch her do this to herself. i don’t know, she just… has given up, no willpower whatsoever. i don’t know, i wish there was something to do to help her, but there isn’t. so i’m just ranting, i suppose.
cherish what you have.
Merry Christmas xx 

how hard would it be to just… cease to exist?
i always know when the lows are about to hit, because the euphoria and the mania just starts to recede. and i feel okay. and then it spirals down faster than the wait at the top of a rollercoaster. 

have you ever heard something that you knew meant certain death?
and it’s like saying, “death. they’re dead. you might as well give up hope, they’re dead.” even if they aren’t?
kind of like in ‘girl, interrupted’ when they ship that guy off to vietnam and the sociopath says ‘that just means he’s dead.’
yeah, that sucks.

sometimes, i feel like everything’s just… too much. and i’m just drowning in everything that i can’t change. and at first it’s just one thing, but then it’s another, and another. and pretty soon, there’s all these problems floating around in my head that i have no control over. and i want to fix them, and i want to help, but i can’t. so i just sit and let them drown me. i know they say ‘let go of the things you can’t change,’ but it’s not that easy. nothing’s ever easy.

i haven’t updated any social networking sites in over 48 hours. i’ve just been thinking to myself, about everything. and i’m not going to pretend i’ve learned anything extremely insightful, because i hadn’t… i was watching movies and playing online games and self-pitying and wondering why no one noticed that i was MIA from facebook and just… stupid stuff.

but here’s what i did realize: 

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can’t sleep because all i keep playing in my head is the night we talked.
“obviously i just didn’t see us going anywhere…”
and, “that’s why i’m so reluctant to be around you.”
along with, “it’s nothing you did. it was me.”
and just, the look on your face as you watched me tear up.
“i just didn’t know how to handle some of the things you said,”
along with, “meeting your family was…intense.”
and just, everything felt like it was crumbling, and it physically hurt to breathe.
it’s, sitting there. and listening to someone telling you that you literally mean nothing to them, and that anything you guys may have had, is no more.
it’s knowing you can’t get back the nights you had, and knowing that you’ll never have those moments back.
it’s all the times it just, felt right, being beside you, and knowing it was all a lie.
it’s knowing that you didn’t care half as much as you led on,
and it’s feeling inadequate. always inadequate.
i think the part that sticks the most, was when you said,
“you’re not ready for a relationship. sorry, but that’s the way it is. you want a relationship, without sexual relations? that’s not a relationship. that’s a good friendship, and you have good friends. you’re not going to find anyone willing to have a relationship like that. that sucks, but that’s the way it is.”
and especially the part where i said teenage girls are stupid and bullshit.
and you said, “teenagers are 95% bullshit. teenage girls, especially. but 50% of the guys here choose classes based on the female to male ratio. 50% of the guys here choose classes based on how to get their dick wet faster. they put up with the bullshit in order to have sex. we’re teenagers, and it’s what we do.”
and i went on a minor tangent about how society was too sex-involved, and i think i ended it with something like ‘well, it sucks.’ or ‘that’s stupid.’ or something very simple, and you said “it does suck. it is stupid. but that’s the way it is.”
and it just keeps playing, and playing, and playing. every night.
don’t get me wrong, i’ll be fine. i always am. and i’m just waiting on the feelings to diminish, and i keep beating myself up, because the night i stayed over and we didn’t do anything, and you just cuddled with me (despite the fact that i hate cuddling) and you held me close and breathed in my ear and when everyone was asleep i finally got our first kiss, and then i fell asleep in your arms. i just remember thinking ‘this is what perfect feels like.’
and despite everything, i still hope one day, you’ll miss me.
because i sure as hell miss you.
and despite everything, you’re still a remarkable human being.
and we’re still ‘friends.’
just nothing like we were.
and well, it sucks. 

that awkward moment when you call a number back you don’t recognize, and it’s your mom, and she’s really, really high. and acts like it’s no big deal. same old, same old. some things never change. and no matter how often i get used to it, and how many walls i put up, it still breaks my heart like i had just found out. every. single. time.